Fear and Failure

Fear has been at the forefront of my thoughts lately. Not so much what it means, but how it affects my choices. I've long believed that I push myself in all aspects of my life because I have a fear of failing. I'm afraid of admitting that I can't do something. Having to deal with some sort of shame. Yesterday I had a profound revelation when I failed to hit a back squat PR. Coming off a rest day when Ryan said we were doing back squats, I announced, "I'm going to PR today." I worked up to 175lbs, and I failed. I did half a squat. I tried again on a second round, and although stronger, I still failed. Driving home, I thought about not hitting my PR, and about how I'm going to get to that 175# benchmark next week. And while I'm at it, maybe I should have a goal of a 200# back squat. Then, light bulb. Not one of those environmentally friendly lights bulbs that barely give off enough to light up a room. I'm talking bright, industrial grade fluorescent lights. In that moment I realized that I thrive when I fail. I. Thrive. When. I. Fail. This whole time, I've been holding onto a fear of failing for no good reason. This fear has been holding me back. Stopping me from doing things because I might fail. And more than just athletic endeavors. Career. Life. Travel. You name it. All along, this sneaky fear of failure has paved my path. Who knows what I have missed out on? Who knows what I could have been or where I would physically be? All because of this fear of failing.

Watching the Olympics is always an inspiring experience. You watch these athletes who have fought and trained everyday for 4 years, just to have a chance to compete in the international spotlight. I caught the post performance interview with Gracie Gold following her skate for the Team event. She mentioned that her and her coach were reading Phil Jackson's book. Summarizing from the book she said, "...you know, when you let go of all the fear that’s when you find the love for—not just in sports—but anything in life. So you have to love it and let go of all the fear." Days later I still find myself thinking about her statement. I even bought the book.

I've made the decision to not let the fear of failure dictate my life. I'm letting go of that fear. I may need to remind myself from time to time, but I'm taking a stance against it. Failure may become more common place. But, who cares? I'll come out stronger on the other side.

So here's to failure. May we have many more.

**Please note author does not believe failing in Sky Diving will make her stronger or better or alive for that matter.**

Back

What started as a short walk ended in the ugliest, slowest, but most glorious and necessary 3 mile jog. I'm back. It's time to rebuild. But most importantly, I have running back in my life. Running is my happy place. Running is my dark place. Running is my therapy. It is my escape. It lets me feel without judgment.I run when I'm happy. I run when I'm grieving, when I need to sort things out. I've cried my eyes out, I've laughed, I've danced, I've smiled, I've rejoiced, I've gone numb. All while running. I'm alive. I'm free. I'm me. Am I a masochist? Maybe. Am I an addict. Yes, in all sense of the word. I turn to running to hash things out. I crave the goose bumps and tension release with every deep exhale. I need the time alone where I can just be me. No To Do lists, no work obligations, no pressure. Just my shoes, my body, and my mind working as one.