Thursday, October 2, 2014

With my shield or on it

Beginning with the IN Spartan race, I chose to race each course for fun. Every warm up was intended to find my smile before entering the starting corral. And it worked like a charm. My body thanked me. It's amazing how much stress can drain your legs. I figured that out in Georgia at the Spartan Sprint. Following GA I raced being thankful for the opportunity to spend the day outdoors with my Island of Misfits comrades sharing war stories and beers. For this reason, 2014 has been my best season yet. Perhaps, not my fastest, but my strongest and most rewarding.

And then came Vermont. Simply, Vermont broke me. I'm not sure what it broke. Maybe my human spirit. Mayby my silver linings attitude. I don't know. But I remain broken after that course. Ulrike and I spent 9 hours on that 16+ mile course with 6,600ish feet of elevation gain, insane, dangerous terrain, and obstacles that are seemingly easy when standing alone, but hell on Earth when strewn together in perfect order that only a sadist could visualize. In all honestly, the inverted wall served as the Gates of Hell. Once we climbed over it, shit hit the fan. Perhaps, that was intended by Norm. Who knows? I slowly transformed into a very ugly person. Every other word out of my mouth started with an "F." I felt hatred towards people who were truly innocent or meaning the best. I flicked off another racer at the Tyrolean Traverse. After falling into the water and doing my 30 burpees, a guy had the audacity to ask me if this was the burpee station if you skipped the obstacle. What. I did not provide an answer, but gave him the death stare. He turned to ask someone else and up my middle left finger went. The barbed wire crawl was painstakingly long. Glancing at it when not already being on the course, it would be super easy. But, after being on the course for so long, it hurt. Every minute pebble, grain of sand, dug into my palms and knees. Rolling was impossible. The weather was cold. Worst of all, there was an innocent, cheery volunteer in a Moose hat who I truly wanted to throat punch. I am ashamed to say this. This is absolutely not like me. I am always the happiest person on the course screaming the names of the folks I know as I see them and thanking all of the volunteers. Earlier in the day, I was screaming, "I'm alive. I'm human," while swimming across a pond because I was my typical race self. But this self, was fucked up Vermont self. I transformed into a Vermonster.

And I still have no idea. No amount of analyzing has revealed the answers. I just don't know. I know I'm broken. I know I am not the same person that I was when I started that course. I can honestly say you had to be there. I advocate for a 2014 Vermont Beast Support Group. Luckily, I have had Ulrike to share the experience with. I am grateful we can laugh at our absurd behavior and also not feel crazy when we realize we have both suffered spontaneous crying and lack of motivation. We joke we became OCR wives on that course calling each other babe and being the strong one when the other was faltering. I cannot imagine not being able to share in the experience with someone. So, that was Vermont. Not the glorified experience that I imagined. It was a beat down without success or satisfaction. Simply an ass kicking.

Now I go to the Ohio Spartan. After VT I decided to downgrade to only the Super. Spartan never returned my email, so I have decided today to stick with the Trifecta heat. Why? In some sick, masochistic way, I need to feel the pain. I need to know that Vermont did not defeat me. I am giving myself a 10% chance of completion. In exchange, I will leave 100% on the course. I will feel the pain of the struggle. I will be ripped off the course fighting. After Vermont, I just have this weird need to fight back. To go 10 rounds with Spartan. This is completely insane I realize, but to the racer, to the athlete, to the achiever, to the fighter, it is a fight that must be fought. It must be fought with bravery and courage. It will hurt and I will struggle, but I will leave satisfied. The odds are in my favor this time as I will have my team scattered all over the course. This is a team that has been with me through it all and has given me strength. I am proud to call myself a Crazy Mudder Mucker and cannot wait to line up next to them this weekend. I am ready to give myself to the Spartan Ohio Trifecta; heart, body and soul. So bring it Spartan.With my shield or on it.

1 comment:

  1. Misery loves company. You know I was in the same boat at Vermont (except I didn't have someone to witness my brokenness during the race). 210 burpees, injured ankle, over 8 hours, and passed by Father Time himself, Vermont broke something inside me that left me questioning why and if I belonged.

    Notice that I used past tense? Last weekends super/sprint weekend in Chicago was the complete opposite and awakened my soul. I ran the super in the open division with a group. Long story short, a guy in the group had a very real fear if water (he had seen two drowning a in person). He put his trust in me as I dragged him across the open water swim. He then trusted me again at the finish line in front of hundreds of people to dunk him under the dunk wall in muddy water. His wife cried and said he has never been close to doing that. That is when I felt the despair from Vermont lift. I was on such a high that I raced again on Sunday and took 21st in the elite sprint.

    So no matter the outcome of Saturday, recharge, regroup, and continue to inspire. You never know when your own inspiration will be returned to you when you need it :)

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